Day 280

In my working environments, traditionally I have always burdened myself out of fear. Fearing that if I do not live up to the responsibilities that I have agreed too, or responsibilities that have been passed to me – that if I fail, or if I see that I am failing – I do not ask for help.

I instead dupe myself into believing that I will be fired if I say ‘I can’t do this anymore’. Then I go into imaginings and projections of ‘what will happen if I say this’. Meanwhile the situation in reality gets worse. I carry on hoping for it to get better, that something will click and I will finally understand how to deal with what has been set for me, but this never pans out in the long run.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my desire to ask for help because of a fear that I have of being perceived by others as ‘weak’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within projections of what might happen if I ask for assistance, or if I say I can no longer handle something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a self judgement whereby I say to myself ‘if I can’t do this then I am a failure’  – not allowing myself  to see, realise, and understand that this self judgement of me as a failure is not actually helping me to achieve something – and that in fact nobody really knows how to do anything without going through the motions first, again, and again, and again.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand that I am constantly having to learn how to work with various situations, and that failure is not an issue unless I make it out to be one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop myself from speaking the words ‘I have reached a wall, I need some help, I can’t seem to get past this’.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand that without this simple expression I will not be able to surmount many obstacles in my life, at home, at work, or anywhere else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in hope, in the hope that things will just get better if I carry doing the same thing over and over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking others for help. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others reactions to me asking for help, believing that they will judge me as ineffectual, as someone who is unable to stand to his promise.

Thus when and as I see that I am allowing a certain situation to continue, believing that the hardships will be overcome through sheer force of will – I stop and I breathe – because I see that not all things can be remedied by simply continuing to ‘show up’ – that sometimes an intervention is necessary for things to move forward for me and the people that I work with. So I see that it does not have to be about me ‘not living up to the standard’ but rather me having given the problem a shot, having actually tried to provide a solution – not being able to do this – and thus simply asking for help from a more experienced individual.

Day 279

I am writing to day about a point that has come up in regards to someone whom I believe is emotionally stunting another person, whereas I am trying to make this person responsible, and the other person is trying to subconsciously make them dependant on them.

I see within this that we are actually both stunting this person, that because I think I am doing ‘what is right by them’ by forcing them to move themselves, I am actually just making them move from a point of emotion and anger. I am not actually doing what is best for them.

I fear them not becoming responsible enough to look after themselves, and so my fear is leading me to speak and do things that will ‘make’ this person be responsible. But as I have seen, it does not really work that way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within a belief that A is stunting B from becoming their full potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in great anger at A for doing this, saying to myself ‘how can they not see what they are doing to this person’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a belief that I am doing what is best for the person, believing that forcing them to get up and do things is the correct course of action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in speaking angry commands at this person, in an effort to ‘make them better’ them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that A is trying to make B dependent upon them for everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that everything A says is a justification for why B must stay the same.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I also take an equal share of ‘blame’ for stunting this person, as though I believe that I am doing the opposite to what this other person is doing, we are both actually fucking it up in equal measure. Because when I look at where I am starting within this, it is always from a point of fear, anxiety, and/or anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I am ‘trying to make this person more responsible’ – not seeing or realising that I am doing this out of a fear for their survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this other being not becoming responsible enough to effectively take care of themselves.

I will myself to see that I cannot make another person responsible, that I can only really show the way by example. And thus I can see that I have not actually been doing this if I look self-honestly, as I see myself doing and saying things that do not match up with the image I am trying to enforce upon this other person.

And thus they are hearing one thing from me, and seeing a totally different thing actually happening in reality.

When and as I see myself trying to make another take responsibility for themselves, starting from a point of fear, frustration or anger, I stop and I breathe, and I realise that I am actually taking responsibility out of their hands, and placing it into my own, by not allowing the change to come from the other, not allowing them to move themselves.

Furthermore I will myself to see and correct the point of belief that I am trying to make this person/persons more responsible, when actually I am moving from within a vast web of fear, where I allow myself to fear worst possible outcomes for this person’s existence if I were not to tell them to do these basic life chores.

I will myself to when faced with a point of speaking/telling another person that they must ‘do something’ – I must sure that I also walk the talk.

And so there are a lot of things that I say but do not do myself. And so each of these points are opportunities to perfect myself within my living.

Day 278

Getting into conflict

There is a person that I come into contact with regularly, they hold a secretarial role and is sometimes in a position where I feel they are able to ‘order me around’. I find myself being quite angry with her most of the time, and being on guard so as to prevent myself from being hurt.

I believe that I have been hurt by this person and that they have slighted me through the comments they have made in regards to something I have supposedly done or not done, the specifics are irrelevant in this case. But my reaction to this person was one of anger and a kind of self-induced pain.

I feel inadequate at having had this person say these things that were ‘negative’ about me in front of other people. But there was the one moment where this being brought in a point of substantial authority, saying that this authority  has said themselves that ‘such and such is not done properly’. This was when I got really hurt, I started to see this person of authority uttering the same words in an angry tone of voice, I started to then go on the defensive. And have been resisting and creating friction with this person ever since.

Even though I can see many rational reasons why a certain task would not be done, as seeing this task as being outside my authority, I allowed all of my reasoning abilities to go out of the window, as soon as this person opened their mouth and essentially started slating me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a belief that this person whom I am ‘struggling’ with has some power over me, not seeing, realising, or understanding that I am giving my power away to them, without even realising it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that they are to blame for how I experience myself,  that they are to blame because they are the one ordering me and others around in a demanding and condescending way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the perception/belief that I am being ordered around. I hate it when they enjoy giving me orders.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I am being made to do things by a person who is enjoying their apparent ‘power’ over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anger towards her for talking to me in a derogatory way.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, to realise, and to understand that I am taking this person’s words personally, that I am choosing to take her words personally and reacting in anger. Allowing myself to participate within the belief that I am apparently being moved from the outside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that they have slighted my character through their words, not seeing, realising, and understanding that I am slighting myself by participating within the whole equation.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am self-judging my work as ineffective.

I forgive myself that I have not even accepted and allowed myself to see and understand the simple principle that I am responsible for my reaction that I have when I hear her speaking to me in a superior and controlling way.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am hiding behind my own self-judgements that I hold about myself,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within anger and pain at having at hearing this person talk about my work, not actually seeing that I am actually holding onto and hiding a judgement about myself that what this person is saying is actually true on some level, allowing myself to refuse to see the obvious fact that my reactions are based on personal issues I have about myself. Because my reactions towards them reflect myself back to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a feeling of inadequacy at hearing her speak to me ‘in this way’ in front of other people.

I forgive myself that I have then accepted and allowed myself to go into a martyr mode where I believe I am some sort of saviour/sacrificial figure for ‘going up against’ her for the greater good of all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by the paranoia that they might actually be speaking on behalf of a point of authority.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take full responsibility for my response of going into a spiral of fearing and imagining that this is some sort of official ‘telling off’ or criticism.

I forgive myself for actually accepting and allowing myself to imagine this point of authority saying these words in their own voice. Utterly divorcing myself from the reality of the situation and realising that in its essence and behind their emotion what they are saying to me is just a point/suggestion that I can or cannot take on board. In this instance it was indeed something I could work with effectively, and that will indeed make my work ‘better’,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in friction creation with this person where I allow myself to purposefully ignore them and do every subtle thing I can to make them angry, such as not communicating with them or saying hello, or acting as if they are not there, ignoring them as much as I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat ‘this is my right to treat her like this because of how she has treated me’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have some form of moral high ground, that I am fighting some noble war.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a relinquishing of my common sense upon hearing her words about my work, and the reality of my work as what actually happened.

When and as I see myself participating within the belief that ‘I am in struggle’ with another person, I stop and I breathe. And I see, realise, and understand that I have given my self away to them, by accepting and allowing a construct of disempowerment to take the place of my self.  Because here I am disempowering myself by reacting to them and believing that the reaction is justified, not seeing nor realising that I am enslaving myself to these various reactions, and allowing myself to only exist as anger, resentment, and purposeful friction.

I will myself to realise that my reaction is unjustifiable, if I take into consideration my own self, realising that I actually have a self outside of my anger towards other people saying things about me, for instance that my work is ‘not up to scratch’

I will myself to realise that it is always a choice to go into a friction mode, where I react and retaliate all the time with another whom I believe or see as slighting me.

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that another person has slighted me, and I am reacting with umbrage to their words, I stop and I breathe, because I see, realise, and understand that my offence has come from within myself, and is in fact indicating a point of self-denial within what they are saying to me, otherwise why would I take offence?

I will myself to delve into exactly what it is I think about myself in regards to how I am in my work and myself generally, how do I go about doing things? Who do I choose to be moment to moment.

 

Day 277

I have noticed that within my relationships, I am trying to compensate a lot – for what I see as lack of self worth. A general belief that I am not good enough and that my life does not mean anything. I do not love myself as an existence as I am always judging myself according to my mind, according to my history,

So there is a hole within myself that I have not known about, I must also let go of the belief that ‘it is good to be nice’ which is a morality construct.

I currently live as a continuous self-judgement and comparison of myself with other people who are like me or my own age, I ‘see where they are’ and compare it to ‘where I am’ – not seeing that I am literally making myself feel shit because I do not believe that I live up to what ‘they’ are, and that I cannot live up to what they are.

‘I am destined to be a loser all my life’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am inhabiting a compensation character in most of my daily interactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the belief that ‘I am okay about myself in my reality’ – not seeing, realising, nor understanding that I am most certainly not okay with myself in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have so many hang ups about myself,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place so much into ‘how I look towards other people’ not even seeing or realising that I am actually doing this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a belief that ‘I do love myself, I do, I do the things that make me happy’ – not seeing, realising, nor understanding that what I do is addictive in nature, and focused around entertaining myself as a mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a belief tha energy highs are all I live for, that they are the be all and end all of my existence. That I live to be happy, that I live for rushes of happiness. Not actually being okay with what is right here as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pour so much energy into judging myself according to standards set out by humanity, standards that are flawed as well as not real to begin with. Not discovering for myself what it means to create my own standard of living. What do I accept and allow to be an expression of me?

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see before now that I have this hole within me that I try to fill with things, with work and other addictions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I cannot even stand to be around myself and thus I move into something that will distract me from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a constant subconscious self-judgement of myself where I judge my past as all the ‘bad things I have done’. Not seeing, realising, nor understanding that I am holding onto something which is insubstantial and not actually in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life as a continuous comparison against other people who I deem to ‘qualify’ with me, other beings who I am apparently in competition with, competition for the best money, relationships, looks, intelligence, everything. It is like ‘anything I can compare, I will compare’.

I thus forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the fundamental point that I have been living inside a dream world – where I simply live and experience myself according to what and who is moving around me, and how I perceive them to be in relation to me, a constant comparison game.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat ‘I am destined to be a loser all my life’

When and as I see myself in a moment where I am trying to gain affection/attention/positive energy from another human being – I stop and I breathe. I direct myself to see, realise, and understand that I am compensating for my lack of self attention and self-love, and thus I can start with loving myself instead, loving that I am actually alive to experience all of this reality. Thus no longer allowing myself to pour myself away into self-judgement and self-criticism – stopping this when I see it arising, instead moving myself further into myself as self-investigation – so that I may actually get to know the ins and outs of who I am, and how I have come to be in this world.

I direct myself to see that I must work with what is actually here, all the time, that I cannot allow myself to dishonour myself by being hung up on the past, past memories of past relationships and occurrences.

I will myself to give to myself the gift of being here and only here. Not accumulating past, Letting go of everything that I have believed and come to accept as being myself. Of course keeping what is good and noble about me, and disregarding everything else.

When and as I see myself looking down on myself from this angle, from the starting point of perceiving myself as being less than another – I stop and I breathe because I now will myself to stop this dreaming, and to start actual living and indeed loving myself as who and what I am already, behind what I see, believe, and judge myself to be.

 

Day 276

 

I participate in the thought/backchat that people are secretly thinking about me, ‘they are secretly saying bad things like I am a suck-up or sycophant’.

I see that I am judging myself as doing this, as I do ‘operate’ on a ‘please to receive’ basis.

‘How dare they slur my work’ – ‘how dare they think my work is sloppy’. ‘Do they not see how they are actually sloppy themselves’.

Again I am actually judging myself and holding the hidden belief about myself – that I am sloppy – that my work is not up to standard. I then go into shame at this hidden understanding that I have and am holding about myself, I then react to other people, seeing the actions and the words that they make as being geared towards me in a negative way that highlights my secret assumptions that I have about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that people are secretly thinking about me in a negative way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the backchat ‘they are secretly thinking that I am trying to get positive reactions through the way I say and do things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in this ‘please to receive’ design.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the backchat ‘how dare they insult my work, do they not see how bad their own work is’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realise that I am pointing the finger at them when actually I should be turning it around on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that ‘I am sloppy’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that ‘my work is not up to standard’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about myself, that ‘I am not good enough’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to face the fact that I hold so little worthiness to myself.

When and as I see myself thinking and backchatting that people are secretly saying ‘bad things’ about me – I stop and I breathe – and I will myself to see and realise that this is all me. It is all my own backchat – it is all only highlighting what I am currently accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as – as fear.

I will myself to see and realise that this fear of people backchatting about me is only covering up my own fear of facing my own truths of how I see myself.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to get positive reactions from people around me, and that I have hidden this from myself, saying to myself – ‘no this is not what I do, I just help people, it is a good thing to be helpful’.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise, and understand that I am trying to feel good about myself through the reactions of other people.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am secretly unhappy with myself, that I am sad within my existence, at my existence.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that this is thus part of a compensation character for how I have accepted and allowed myself to feel about myself within this reality.

Day 275 My Embarrassment towards me.

My embarrassment towards myself.

I get embarrassed. ‘This is the way it is’ I say to myself. ‘Men just don’t open up as much as women do – so it’s okay to not share anything’.

Predominant fear of being embarrassed by exposing myself to others in my JTL blogs.

Like anything I have done within myself and that I am writing about is ‘too embarrassing’, something to be laughed at and shamed.

Fear of showing other people what is actually going on inside my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in embarrassment towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in embarrassment of what is inside me as my thoughts, my feeling, my emotions, my memories, and my experience of myself,

When and as I see myself going into embarrassment that stops me from participating in a certain venture or undertaking, such as writing, or in some social context – I stop and I breathe – and realise that this embarrassment that I am feeling is firstly a self-fabricated one – and secondly a lock on my potential expansion, stopping me from actually growing into myself, de-limiting myself. Thus in this moment I remind myself to make a choice –do I limit or de-limit myself?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat conversation of ‘this is the way it is, this is how guys are, we just don’t open as much as women do, so it’s okay not to share’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be embarrassed of writing blogs about myself, and about how I function in the world in my secret head. The head inside my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear even posting one blog – even though I have posted a couple of hundred

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the ridiculousness of fearing to share my experience of myself when I have already shared quite a fear pages of writing.

When and as I see myself backchatting about why I should not do something – I stop and I breathe – Because I am seeing, realising, and understanding that I should actually do the diametric opposite of what my backchat is telling me to do – thus if I am backchatting to myself – ‘don’t do that or go there’ I should in fact Do That and Go There.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I am writing out myself – not seeing, realising, and understanding that I am hindering myself through doing this – and that I am actually participating in another layer of my mind that is saying ‘no no no, you must not share this’

When and as I see myself judging myself in my writing – I stop and I breathe – and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for whatever it is that came up in the moment. I forgive myself until I can stand on my own two hands within my writing, until there is not a single judgement about what I am doing.

I Will Myself to see that all I am doing for myself is the biggest favour. By not being judgemental, by not allowing myself to stop writing for me.

Not seeing, realising, or understanding that this is still actually me saying this, I am the one speaking this fearful backchat and so it stands to reason that I can stop myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to picture people laughing at me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that I am the one laughing at myself.

Thus I will myself to see and realise that I can use these points of where I go into a fear of other people judging me, and see that it is actually me judging me for that very same point that I fear being laughed at or shame by.

Thus the problem as well as the solution lie with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise, and understand that I am the one locking myself in to the fear of showing people what is happening inside me.

I will myself to see, to realise, and to understand that this is just a thought. Nothing more. The actual fear does not exist in reality. I will myself to see that I am just playing with myself when I do this – and hence I commit myself to stop and just move into whatever it is that is facing me in this moment.

Day 274

I tried to come across to somebody from a point of saying ‘I have something that you need, I have something that is better than anything you have ever seen, I have something that you don’t have’ – I was trying to establish myself with this person, trying to get them to think ‘wow, this guy knows his stuff, I must stop and listen.

They opened their mouth to speak to me, and it was just a ‘no’ – and they basically added that they were already clued up in what I am doing – that they have extensive experience in this sector, and that they hold high office within it.

I immediately felt like I had been slapped in the face, my backchat consisted of ‘how dare he think he is superior to me? This guy is an asshole’.

I participated in anger before he had open his mouth as I had already made the assessment, according to me, he had that look of a ‘know it all’ – that air of superiority, as if to say ‘I have it all – why the fuck do I need you?’  I reacted with hate to my own view of ‘how he was’ – but seeing it now, I am realising that I do the exact same thing when it comes to other people, all the things that I judged in him, I do the exact same thing to nearly all people, all the time. Always reacting to another human being as an assessment and then reaction. Thus my assessments that are not based in common sense and consideration to what is here – and that I dish out to other people as well as myself, will always reflect who I am within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in speaking to somebody from a starting point of seeming superior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I have something that everybody needs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in trying to ‘establish myself’ with this being, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘establishing’ is a ‘thing’ that I need to do. Thus not seeing, realising, nor understanding that self-establishment is paramount, as self is the beginning of all things that I establish within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a negative reaction towards this being saying no to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in inferiority where-by I allow myself to construct a reality where this other person is elevated and placed way above me, as if they are god-like and unreachable, and as if I am insignificant.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in a position of inferiority when I am ‘put up’ (I set myself up as an adversary) against what I perceive as their awesome intellect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a placing of them and simultaneously myself in a position of struggle between one another, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself against him, like mentally we are about to have a fight.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I am being smacked down. Not seeing, realising, and understanding that I am the only one smacking my self down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in jealousy towards the person that ‘knew more than I did’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a negative belief about myself where I am okaying myself to feel bad about myself by justifying through the belief that I must experience me as inferior. I forgive myself that I have thus accepted and allowed myself to use what I see as happening here physically where I am faced with this person, as a justification to go into negativity about myself, instead of seeing, realising, and understanding that I am not actually seeing what is happening in this moment clearly, because the actual physical events that occurred did not contain any of the thoughts, feeling, emotions, or backchats that I am allowing myself to go into within this actual moment. They are all me. Thus this inferiority (or any thing that I experience) starts with me, and ends with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anger towards this person while he spoke to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in this projection and blame of my anger towards him when in fact I can see now that I am hiding responsibility for how I feel about myself, on him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in hatred of this person’s ‘air’ as what I apparently ‘saw’ in him. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that I am creating this ‘air’ around him, I am projecting my own beliefs I have onto him, accepting and allowing myself to trust and believe in my assessment of his nature, not seeing and realising that my assessment is based in memories and imaginations.

I thus forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the belief that he is pompous, not seeing, realising, and understanding that it is actually I myself who hold onto pompousness within my ‘nature’

I react to anything that I don’t like about myself – and that I apparently see in others, or react when I see another as having fulfilled something to the seemingly utmost potential, reacting because I myself have not achieved such points in my own life. In this case the role of someone with educational importance.

My desires don’t even come pre-made. They are fabricated into existence as soon as I see someone that ‘has something’ – and then it is like the lie that ‘I have always wanted that’ becomes real within me, I pretend that that want or desire has always been there for this thing that I am seeing right now in front of me for the first time. And so I am like kidding myself in real time, there are so many more points where I can see this unfolding. Like believing that I am doing something good, when in reality I really know that I am doing it for some perceived personal gain; that ironically most of the time never shows up.

I cheat myself into believing that this game that I am playing is real, and that it is really benefiting me, when in fact every moment I can see that this does not benefit anybody, or myself, in any way whatsoever.

It is damaging because all I think about is me, and how I fit in. Not really seeing what is here but rather choosing to most of the time watch my reality through the filter of my mind and memories and imaginations that I lay atop of what is actually happening.