Getting into conflict
There is a person that I come into contact with regularly, they hold a secretarial role and is sometimes in a position where I feel they are able to ‘order me around’. I find myself being quite angry with her most of the time, and being on guard so as to prevent myself from being hurt.
I believe that I have been hurt by this person and that they have slighted me through the comments they have made in regards to something I have supposedly done or not done, the specifics are irrelevant in this case. But my reaction to this person was one of anger and a kind of self-induced pain.
I feel inadequate at having had this person say these things that were ‘negative’ about me in front of other people. But there was the one moment where this being brought in a point of substantial authority, saying that this authority has said themselves that ‘such and such is not done properly’. This was when I got really hurt, I started to see this person of authority uttering the same words in an angry tone of voice, I started to then go on the defensive. And have been resisting and creating friction with this person ever since.
Even though I can see many rational reasons why a certain task would not be done, as seeing this task as being outside my authority, I allowed all of my reasoning abilities to go out of the window, as soon as this person opened their mouth and essentially started slating me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a belief that this person whom I am ‘struggling’ with has some power over me, not seeing, realising, or understanding that I am giving my power away to them, without even realising it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that they are to blame for how I experience myself, that they are to blame because they are the one ordering me and others around in a demanding and condescending way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the perception/belief that I am being ordered around. I hate it when they enjoy giving me orders.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I am being made to do things by a person who is enjoying their apparent ‘power’ over me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anger towards her for talking to me in a derogatory way.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, to realise, and to understand that I am taking this person’s words personally, that I am choosing to take her words personally and reacting in anger. Allowing myself to participate within the belief that I am apparently being moved from the outside.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that they have slighted my character through their words, not seeing, realising, and understanding that I am slighting myself by participating within the whole equation.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am self-judging my work as ineffective.
I forgive myself that I have not even accepted and allowed myself to see and understand the simple principle that I am responsible for my reaction that I have when I hear her speaking to me in a superior and controlling way.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am hiding behind my own self-judgements that I hold about myself,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within anger and pain at having at hearing this person talk about my work, not actually seeing that I am actually holding onto and hiding a judgement about myself that what this person is saying is actually true on some level, allowing myself to refuse to see the obvious fact that my reactions are based on personal issues I have about myself. Because my reactions towards them reflect myself back to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a feeling of inadequacy at hearing her speak to me ‘in this way’ in front of other people.
I forgive myself that I have then accepted and allowed myself to go into a martyr mode where I believe I am some sort of saviour/sacrificial figure for ‘going up against’ her for the greater good of all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by the paranoia that they might actually be speaking on behalf of a point of authority.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take full responsibility for my response of going into a spiral of fearing and imagining that this is some sort of official ‘telling off’ or criticism.
I forgive myself for actually accepting and allowing myself to imagine this point of authority saying these words in their own voice. Utterly divorcing myself from the reality of the situation and realising that in its essence and behind their emotion what they are saying to me is just a point/suggestion that I can or cannot take on board. In this instance it was indeed something I could work with effectively, and that will indeed make my work ‘better’,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in friction creation with this person where I allow myself to purposefully ignore them and do every subtle thing I can to make them angry, such as not communicating with them or saying hello, or acting as if they are not there, ignoring them as much as I can.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat ‘this is my right to treat her like this because of how she has treated me’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have some form of moral high ground, that I am fighting some noble war.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a relinquishing of my common sense upon hearing her words about my work, and the reality of my work as what actually happened.
When and as I see myself participating within the belief that ‘I am in struggle’ with another person, I stop and I breathe. And I see, realise, and understand that I have given my self away to them, by accepting and allowing a construct of disempowerment to take the place of my self. Because here I am disempowering myself by reacting to them and believing that the reaction is justified, not seeing nor realising that I am enslaving myself to these various reactions, and allowing myself to only exist as anger, resentment, and purposeful friction.
I will myself to realise that my reaction is unjustifiable, if I take into consideration my own self, realising that I actually have a self outside of my anger towards other people saying things about me, for instance that my work is ‘not up to scratch’
I will myself to realise that it is always a choice to go into a friction mode, where I react and retaliate all the time with another whom I believe or see as slighting me.
When and as I see myself thinking and believing that another person has slighted me, and I am reacting with umbrage to their words, I stop and I breathe, because I see, realise, and understand that my offence has come from within myself, and is in fact indicating a point of self-denial within what they are saying to me, otherwise why would I take offence?
I will myself to delve into exactly what it is I think about myself in regards to how I am in my work and myself generally, how do I go about doing things? Who do I choose to be moment to moment.